Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Somethings Missing

A Devotional by Margot Cioccio

Isaiah 33:15a and 33:16 -17
 He who walks righteously  
and speaks what is right......
16 this is the man who 
will dwell on the heights,
    whose refuge will be the mountain fortress.
His bread will be supplied,  
and water will not fail him.
17 Your eyes will see the king in his beauty
    and view a land that stretches afar.

I think 50 brings with it some larger perspective than I have had in previous years of my life. Maybe its not my age but simply that the Lord has been helping me face some of the foundational issues that have driven me in various directions. The first that he showed me was that the feeling of not being enough had roots in the past that needed to be faced. I had to dig up those roots and realize that I had looked at somethings in a wrong way. I had taken the actions of some significant people in my life and believed that I was somehow just not good enough. I believed that for years and it has caused me to be an over achiever to try and prove that thing wrong.  It has caused me to have to fight past those feeling that maybe its true and I'm really not enough, not good enough to be loved.  I can look at that in light of the Word and know that it is a lie form the pit that I allowed to control me for far to long.
I think I've pretty much conquered that one. Having done so I have this whole new freedom to be able to step out and do some things without having to constantly fight past that feeling of being not enough.

Well I discovered another of those kind of things recently. I'll call it "somethings missing" its always there sometimes in the background but on days when I am discouraged it barges into the foreground and tries to convince me that if I only had _________ I'd feel ok. So I have believed it and have tried to make changes through the years to gain those things or kinds of relationships that I have felt I was some how missing. In recent weeks I have been reading about enneagrams - a way of discovering, confirming and verifying one's personality type. It has been difficult for me because I have am at my core a heart centered person but since I locked up my heart for many years I have functioned out of the head center. For example a person who looses their vision comes to rely upon their other senses. I locked up my heart because I could not deal with the pain it felt from loss and abandonment. Without it I have learned and strengthened my head center in its place.

Anyway one of the personality types in the heart center it The Romantic. In this particular book, The Essential Enneagram they give a fundamental principle that I lost sight of for each personality type.
For the Romantic that is "At the core, everyone has a deep and complete connection to all others and all things." Then it sums up what that type has come to believe instead. "People experience a painful loss of their original connections, leaving them feeling abandoned and feeling that they are missing something important".  I'm still not totally sure that The Romantic is my personality type it might just be a wing or a side type to one of the others that maybe fit better.  What type I am is not really what is significant at this point. What is significant is that in reading that page I realized that the feeling that something is missing is not really true. So suddenly I have a new perspective, rather than trying to find ways to fill that missing blank it becomes a matter of taking my thoughts captive and making them obedient to Christ. I have to trust that in this moment, that God is sovereign and that I have all the things that I need now to accomplish what He wants me to accomplish. This feeling of something missing must be cast down in the light of truth, it is simply a lie that I have bought into for far too long.

I am sharing with you my journey and this is where I am today. I have not completely conquered this  "something missing" thing yet. I am only just beginning to see it and recognize it. So today I am being brave and talking about it. I came to discover in sharing about the "not enough" thing that lots of people struggle silently with the same issue. I believe I am not alone in this "something's missing" thing, there are lots of you who feel the weight of it's discontent and like me often miss out on whats happening in life now because you are dreaming of a future that has what you think you are missing. Or you are living in the past when you thought you had what you believe you lost.
Here's the big message to you and me today. Nothing is really missing, that feeling is a lie. God has supplied everything that is needed today. I must walk with him in the present - today this is what I have to work with. 

I searched "something missing" to see if anyone had written anything about people who struggle with that feeling. I found this quote from a guy named Brian Baran "When you're disconnected from your true self, you are going to feel as if something is missing because you are missing something... YOU!...And the passion that naturally comes with being your genuine self." 

I have unlocked my heart at this point and I realize that it is severely underdeveloped in some ways.
I have certainly been disconnected from my true self for far too long. What I have discovered is that I don't have to run in an attempt to distract myself from that feeling that something is missing. I need to realize that it is more than likely got some demonic baggage attached to it that I need to bind and cast out in order to get free of this constant nagging. I've got work to do on this one still but I am no longer afraid to speak up about the things I am realizing and discovering. I will be free, Jesus is more than enough and He is everything that I need. He will help me to conquer this thing just as he has helped me to conquer the "not enough" thing.

I hope my openness and honesty has helped you. Perhaps you fight with the feelings of not being enough, or something is missing and also need to get free. I know that when the Lord help me see something that He will also help me to work through the issues and the reasons for that brokenness.
I have, I am sure some forgiving and repenting that I will need to walk through with the Lord and will have to face places where I have run rather than face the reality of my life.

Walking with the Lord is never dull and little by little he helps us to deal with our issues and to become more free in him. Join me in standing against the lie that something is missing.
If you are reading this and its not your issue be praying because I am certain I am not alone in struggling with this feeling and that there are people around you who perhaps God will allow you to pray for and encourage and help see this. You can pray for me because I'm sure I am just scratching the surface on seeing and understanding this. The "not enough" thing took time to un-ravel I'm sure this is a journey that has simply started because I can finally see it for what it is. It has been a prevailing lie and I will now begin to resist it till it finally flees. (James 4:7)

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