The Key

A Devotional by Margot Cioccio

 So I've started on a new painting, I'm calling it "The Key". You can see in the first picture my mash up idea created in photo shop. When I actually started painting I realized the background was too hard to figure out so I have in the actual painting simplified it and added the trunk and some old envelopes in the foreground.

I think it will be a series of three paintings. I think in some ways it is an attempt to share some of what has been locked up in my heart or perhaps the part of my heart that has been locked up.

What I painted on Friday June 8th

My now, un-locked memories are fuzzy at best and generally a collection of images, music, feelings, smells and they don't seem to come out very well in words. Even if they do it is a rare moment when I can make sense of them. But maybe I am closer than I think.

I suppose in painting them I am acknowledging that they meant something to me. That I was hurt, disappointed, disillusioned. That there were hopes and dreams that were lost and never grieved.

I can't live in the past, or return to the past but I must reconcile it and lay it to rest.  I choose to repent, forgive and put them away clean before a loving and merciful God.

I love these two quotes from the disturbing movie Sarah's Key.  This one is at the beginning of the movie. "Sometimes our own stories are the ones we can never tell. But if a story is never told it becomes something else... forgotten:"

This one is at the end. "When a story is told it is not forgotten. It becomes something else.... the memory of who we were... the hope of what we can become."

Interestingly I called this painting "The Key" before remembering these quotes. I think it is my way of saying that "The Key" is to tell my story. This painting is one way to tell it, because I'm not sure I can put it in words at this point. I can explain what some of the symbols mean to me. I collected them and put them together knowing they were somehow important. I am now gaining insight into their meaning.

The lighthouse is always a symbol of hope, a light in the darkness. It warn of rocks and lights one's way through dangerous waters. It is a personal promise to me from God that He will see me though the dark and stormy parts of my journey. I collect lighthouse all the time, I've written in past posts how God gives them to me often on hard days. Sometime they are in the words someone speaks, a the side of a passing truck, someones bible case. I went to post something the other day and found this one. They are God's reminders to me that he has not forgotten me. He knows what I am facing. 

The ocean is the sea of the Lord's forgiveness and willingness to forget our repented sins. Micah 7:19 "You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea."

The trunk that is only sketched in at this point, has bows rather than padlocks. It has become more of a hope chest filled now with keepsakes, rather than a prison for a broken heart with its memories and dreams.  Its not a hope that those dreams will yet be fulfilled. Those dreams, all of them, have been lost. They will never play out the way I once imagined. They must be grieved.

You see emerging letters and journals. My acknowledgement that I express myself far better in writing than have with the spoken word. Speaking is not as hard as it once was.  Perhaps my admission that words mean something. I hope to be like Samuel in the bible, of whom it is said not one of his words fell to the ground. I want to be careful with my words. With words God created. With my words I can spin new story of forgiveness, hope and restoration.

The glasses - I must put them on to be able to see all this through the lens of God's perspective. I once was blind but now I see...Sometimes while my own glasses help me see what is close, like the words on a page, I must take them off to see the bigger picture.

The photo - lets just call it a memory that was a point in time just before the dreams began to fall apart and unravel. "When a story is told it is not forgotten. It becomes something else.... the memory of who we were... the hope of what we can become." If a picture paints a thousand words... then why can't I paint you.. Oh brother, more sappyness, but I suppose in some ways the songs that are filtering to the surface are ones that I have not thought about in many years. They are part of those lost dreams and must themselves be acknowledged along with the feelings and emotions that they carry.

The chair is a symbol of a heart at rest and at peace. Well, I'm not sure I've arrived at that completely. Perhaps a symbol of resting in God while he works a long needed healing. Perhaps it is a place of convalescence. Wikapedia defines convalescence as "the gradual recovery of health and strength after illness.

The pitcher of flowers - probably filled with blue forget me nots. "A flower that since medieval times has been given and worn to symbolize enduring love despite absence or separation." Another flower guide says "FORGET-ME-NOT: True love, hope, remembrance, memories." My mind would like to tell me that I understood and felt love before my heart was broken. I doubt it. I was already broken and already had abandonment issues by age 16 before I ever "fell in love". My parents divorce at age 5 and then then my mother's second divorce when I was 14 had already caused considerable damage. I already had trust issues, I already felt that I was some how not enough. I already felt that something was always missing. I was not a very good communicator of what was really going on in my head. I was not very honest or open or very mature.  I did not have a relationship with Christ to give me the tools to make wise choices. Even having walked with the Lord 30 some years, it is only now that I am strong enough to deal with this stuff. God's timing is perfect.

Lastly the key, there is a small key that will sit on top of the journals. The surrounding grey is the same key as if one were looking trough the top opening of the key. I realize today that "The Key" is about beginning to tell my story. I think I have a new dream. Which is remarkable because I've been troubled for years that I could not put my finger on what my dream was. Dang thing was locked in the trunk. Anyway - wow - I have a dream - Here it is.... That through my writing and art that viewers and readers will realize that they are not alone in their struggles. That it is ok to express them and share them. That we don't have to suffer alone in our darkness, shame, self doubt, and fears. We can walk together on this journey, me with my limp and you with your blindness. We all have our handicaps. Its high time that we become a fellowship of believers who support one another on our journeys through this life. 

Well enough writing - its time to paint.


Prayer:
Dear Lord, Help us each to come out of the dark. To bear one another's burdens. To realize that we don't have to be the strong and together one all the time - sometimes we need to let others tend to our wounds and help us to heal. Thank you that you go with us each step of the way that your yoke is easy and your burden is light.

To Love is to be vulnerable

One of the things I try and push myself to do is to be willing to share the places where I have struggled and the places where I am currently struggling. So this one is hard to write, it is a current struggle. It is yet another realization of how deeply broken I am in some places.

My husband was telling me he loves me last night and followed it with the statement. "but I don't think you love me very much sometimes." Ouch, but something I had already been well aware of. In fact I can honestly say I did not love my first husband like I should of. I always feel kind of guilty about it my lack of love. It's not that I don't love at all but there is a place where my heart stops and is not able to go any further. I realize I am terribly broken. I do try to compensate with kindness, patience and other such things.  I am aware that I am not able to fix this myself - or I would have done it long ago.

I've spent a lot of the past couple of year allowing the Lord to deal with my secret places and I have seen him heal a lot of things. I've found the roots to a lot of the things that have been broken or dysfunctional in my life.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

My heart has been locked up for 30 years in a trunk. I put it there because I had been hurt and did not at the time have the capacity to sort it all out.  I only unlocked it about a year ago. It is still pretty broken and messed up and yeah I would say it became unbreakable and impenetrable but I hope not irredeemable. I am trying very hard to be open, honest and vulnerable.

I found the following in an article by Focus on the Family called Bonhoeffer's Sacrificial love by Ben Domenech

"When it comes to our attitude toward marriage and the call to love our neighbor, the lesson Bonhoeffer has for us is not an easy one. It's a lesson that Christian marriage cannot serve as a haven from the outside world or a justification to set aside the duties of faith. It's a lesson of the enormous responsibility of a union of two souls to display the sacrificial love of Christ. We cannot underestimate the power of two hearts, united in faithfulness to one another, to minister to a fallen world, a sentiment to which Bonhoeffer pointed us:

Marriage is more than your love for each other. It has a higher power, for it is God's holy ordinance, through which He wills to perpetuate the human race until the end of time. In your love you see only your two selves in the world, but in marriage you are a link in the chain of the generations, which God causes to come and to pass away to His glory, and calls into His kingdom. In your love you see only the heaven of your own happiness, but in marriage you are placed at a post of responsibility towards the world and all mankind."

I'm not nieve enough to think that things would be better if I just found the right guy, or even if I could some how return to the person who originally broke my heart, that things could be repaired.  I realize fully that I am the problem. I locked up my heart, I said I would not ever need anyone again. Ughh what did CS Lewis say " To love is to be vulnerable." Some one else said that to have intimacy you have to need someone.

Bonhoffer is lofty beyond my ability to wrap my brain around at this point - so I went to see what John Eldredge had to say on the subject and found the book Love-War-Finding the Marriage You've Dreamed Of. I've read the first couple of chapters on line at Amazon. Here's the link to Love-War-Finding the Marriage You'e Dreamed Of  I sit here reading it and I can see as they each speak of their brokenness that I can full identify with both. I can identify with Stasi who says "Packing on weight sent a message to John that was clear and strong, I'm leaving you. You are not worth being beautiful for." She realize that she brought a wounded heart into her marriage and expected that he would some how be the one to fix it but in reality is always waiting for the other shoe to drop.   Ughh so very me.
Part of me just waits for yet another person to abandon me. In some cases I have jumped ship before they could. (Sorry Ron)  Anyway back to the book - John tells on his side how his reaction to the brokenness in his life was simply not to need any one. Again, so me. I can appear to need you, but I always have a back up plan because I expect people to drop the ball. Blasted self-sufficiency.
As I read the final pages that Amazon allows you to read for free John says I was twenty-three. I was as ready for marriage as I was to take up the presidency. And so I did what most men do - I ran. To work."

I suppose there are more ways than breaking a marriage vow to run away and abandon someone. Running away to work is one way. I'm as guilty as the next person on that score. My answer to my brokenness has to been to keep busy. Pour yourself into kingdom work and other good things.

I realize I have adopted the view that love is not all it is cracked up to be in every fairy tale ever written. I have been foolish enough in my romanticism to think if I could just have this or that, whatever "that" thing I felt was missing in my life, that everything would be better. Sadly I have gotten those things and guess what 'I'm still broken." The problem is not outside of me. It is me.

I sit here writing this and wondering if I will have the courage to post it. What am I afraid of in posting it that some of you might think less of me. Most of you will marvel at my ability to be open an honest. If you are honest yourself you will have to admit that there are places where you are broken and afraid to let anyone know. I guess I am beyond caring what anyone thinks of me. I'm tired of hiding my brokenness away in dark corners and trunks. I choose to be open and honest in my writing about my past struggles and my current one. My life is not my own and if Jesus can use my struggles to minister to others than it will be worth having had them.

My dear husband is a sweet man, with his own slew of issues and broken places. He deserves better of me. "But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."  I suppose if nothing else - posting this will cause some of you to pray for me. I am fully aware that I can't fix myself nor will I run away. Somehow I will try to find the courage to face this head on. With God all things are possible.

So enough about me - what about you? What are you running from? What do you keep busy to avoid?  Have you locked away your heart? Some lock up their mind, taking the other option of numbing themselves with drugs, alcohol, pornography or any other number of mind numbing activities. Is that you? Are you running away like Stasi in eating because you feel no one really values or deserves your beauty? Are you running to work like John avoiding brokenness and problems that you have no clue how to solve?

Prayer:
Dear Lord, You alone can fix us. Help us to face these things head on and rather than to run away that we would run to you. You who created love, you who are love, who created us - knows how to fix us.
I give you my fear of abandonment and needing anyone. I give you my self sufficient, unbreakable, impenetrable heart. Lord once again I choose to take your hand and embark on yet another journey.

FYI  - I did let my husband read this before posting it. He said he liked it. I've written this on Saturday and set it to post on Monday. I think I will head to Amazon and get the book by John Eldredge. Seems they have traveled this road. Perhaps they will have some helpful insights to share.  Maybe some of you will find the courage to comment about your own journey. It is good to know we are not alone.

A Kingdom of Priests

Happy Saturday  - I'm giving you a bonus post that I wrote this week for Healing Stream Media's blog. I have been asked to be one of the members of a blog team. I have the Friday slot each week.  I will probably re-post them here on Saturday if I write something new, to try and keep a record of my devotional writing in one place. Here's the link if you would like to check out the Healing Stream team blog.

A Kingdom of Priests

 

The idea of identifying who we are with what we do is so prevalent in our society. You ask someone to tell you about themselves and they start listing of things that they do. So I started digging into my bible because I knew I wanted to write about this topic. Who are we?, what were we created for?

Which lead me first to Exodus 19:5 Now if you obey me fully and keep my covenant, then out of all nations you will be my treasured possession. Although the whole earth  is mine, 6 you will be for me a kingdom of priests and a holy nation.’
Treasured…belonging to God….a kingdom of priests what does that really look like. Here is the New Testament equivalent to this verse found in 1 Peter 2:5  (NIV1984)
5 you also, like living stones, are being built into a spiritual house  to be a holy priesthood,offering spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ.  I flipped over to see what that verse looked like in the Message.
Present yourselves as building stones for the construction of a sanctuary vibrant with life, in which you’ll serve as holy priests offering Christ-approved lives up to God.
Did your brain read that and think – holy = angels on fluffy white clouds, or did you think becoming holy means need to spend more time at church praying and doing holy things. Or did it make you feel like you’ll never make the cut?  Honestly, I think most of us are missing the boat here.  Holy is what God is. It is not something he puts on and takes of. He is Holy. God does not do Holy things, He is, in and of Himself totally holy.  We become holy through our association with him not by doing holy things or avoiding un-holy things. Its not something we take off and put on. It does not happen by walling ourself off from the dirty world in a spiritual box. We read words like holy and we get all religious and up tight and think we are some how able to clean our selves up and make ourselves some how presentable to approach a holy God. Our righteousness is like filthy rags before a Holy God.   Heres a News Flash  – You can’t do it. You will never be clean enough, holy enough, spiritual enough, kind enough, good enough…________ enough to reach the measure of Gods holiness standard. He provides one way. That one way is Jesus.
Even Jesus cries out to God – if there is another way – let this cup pass from me. There is not another way or Jesus would have done it.
So lets stop and think for a moment because I don’t believe that Gods purpose is for us to become all stuffy and religious. I believe his plan for our holiness is that we become vibrant and full of life. That through our association with him we begin to realize who and what we were crated to be. That we find the courage and the faith to step out of the old dead life into a new and vibrant one in Him. His desire is that we become what God always intended for us to be. Here are some things I found in  the Dictionary of Bible Themes on what God desires for us to be. (The Dictionary stuff is in bold along with the reference links  – everything else is my thoughts about the topic.)


A kingdom of priests that reflect the holiness of their God  1Pe 1:15 See also Heb 10:10
“No thing or person is holy in itself, but becomes holy as it is placed in relation to God”
(H. Ringgren, The Prophetical Conception of Holiness
I found another quote in an on-line commentary but lost the page before I recorded the reference. “Things are separate because they are holy, not holy because they are separate. Only in virtue of its relationship to God did anything become holy and thus be regarded as separate.”
We get that all backwards – God never meant for us to be huddled away in our churches afraid to go out an live our lives for fear of getting our holiness dirty. He wants us to live life, do what we do fully and allow His presence to shine there. That happens everyday in the daily, ordinary stuff of life, not just as when we do some great spiritual exploit.  Because of Jesus our holiness is not something we can compartmentalize. When take God’s holiness in us into un holy places we and everyone around starts to feel uncomfortable. I heard that the Jesus People in Chicago had commented to someone that when they move into a rough neighborhood things there should and do begin to change. We are not supposed to keep God’s holiness all locked away but take it out into the world and to allow it to cause things to be transformed.

They are to offer spiritual sacrifices 1Pe 2:5 See also Ro 12:1; Php 4:18; Heb 13:15
I think we need a bigger definition of worship – it is so much more than being in church singing songs. It is whatever we do for the least of these – we’ve done it unto Jesus. You don’t have to wait to get to church on Sunday to worship, worship him with your entire life. I love Mother Teresa’s take on this that I picked up while doing a Mother Teresa marathon and reading numerous books by and about her life. She looked at every person and saw them as Christ himself and as a result she treated each as if it was the Lord himself standing before her. As such she poured her life out in worship as she served the least, the lost, the broken, the marginalized, the oppressed.
They are to intercede for others before God 1Ti 2:1 See also Rev 5:8,10
We are able to inter the very presence of God with our prayers. As we see things that are messed up we are to take those things before our God. We don’t have to quit daily life and find some spiritual moment to pray. We are to pray with out ceasing. As we are going through our day we should have a on going dialog going on with the Holy Spirit. We live in a world full of people who have no access to God. It is His kindness that leads them to repentance and that kindness is most often poured out through us. We may not have on our person the resources to meet every need, but we do on every occasion, have access to God to present that need to him so that he can work it out. It may be our part of the equation to bring the need before God. It might be for another of His people to bring what is needed.

They are to represent God before other human beings 2Co 5:20 See also Eph 3:7-11 I look at that list and I don’t see it as a life sentence, or something that we have to strive to become. We have been created in the image of God. We become holy as we associate with him. We can’t associate with him unless we accept what Jesus has already done for us. He paid the price for our sin and brokenness. We are to live holy lives in him as the Holy Spirit fills and empowers us to do so. If we let God’s holiness into our own dark places it begins to transform them. If we associate with broken and lost people the holiness in us begins to transform them. Gods holiness should spill out in us in all we are, and everything we do. Its not that we are holy and good on Sunday and the rest of the week we go back to being carnal. We are made holy 24/7.  Sure there is an on going cleansing and sanctification that continues through out our entire life with Christ. We are still holy because He is holy and his holiness can’t help but rub off on us as we allow him to be more and more a part of our life in Him. As he transforms our lives, we represent God and his transforming power to others.
 
Personal Prayer: Dear Lord, I invite you into the places in my life that are still shadowed in darkness. Help me see those places that I have walled off from you thinking they are just too shameful and too messy for you to have anything to do with. Help me to find the courage to allow you into more of those places. Lord thank you that you are patient and your work in us in on going. Thank you that because of Jesus we are set apart as holy and belonging to you. Help us to step out to become a kingdom of priest who vibrantly live their lives and allow your holiness into every part.
 
Intercessory Prayer: (Prayer for others) Dear Lord I lift before you friends who now come to mind that are still trapped in darkness. I pray I would bring your light of hope and the power of your transforming holiness when I am around them. I pray that your holiness in me would cause them to realize there is something different about us and to want to know what it is. Help them to notice your light and to want to reach out to it. Lord I also pray for the neighborhood or place in the world where darkness very thick that has come to mind. I pray that your light would break through in that place. Lord help me to go into such places and bring the light of your holiness, truth and justice that they may be transformed because I took a step of faith to be there.

Layers - More on the Secret Place

A Devotional by Margot Cioccio

I am working on consolidating my many blogs down to the couple that I am actually using. This post was written July 10, 2011 about the same time that I started writing this devotional blog.  I can't begin to tell you how many layers of stuff I have dealt with in the past two years.  This post is a year later than yesterdays post and the post before that was written a year after that. Before that everything is in old journals some of which I've burned or thrown away not wanting anyone to ever read what a mess I've been at various times.  I wonder what I will write a year from now about this whole journey. The good news is that I am getting more and more free. Things I could not talk about before are no longer frightening things.

Layers - More on the Secret Place

I wrote the post called the Secret Place a long while ago - only to find that there were other secret places that I could not even get to at that time. God is gracious and so patient. Stuff so deep and hidden that it has been a journey to uncover them. Little did I realize that I had only begun the journey when  I wrote the Secret Place.

I have found that in removing the layers and in getting really down to those deeply hidden places that God continues to be gracious. There was no condemnation for the things I found hidden away. I found there were things that have had to be grieved. That was hard. There were things that needed to be confessed and some things that I needed to work through repentance and forgiveness.

I was surprised to find the intensity of the emotions and feelings for things so long locked away.
It really took me by surprise still feel things so many years later to be processing things I chose to stuff away rather than deal with at the time. I found there to also be some hopes and dreams that might yet be possible someday and I have taken them out of the trunk and allowed them to breathe - they are now acknowledged between me and God and I am content wait patiently to see what He may do. I fully understand that at some point they may also need to be grieved. I'm ok with that. There is no question in my mind as to Gods ability but it may or may not be part of His plan. I trust Him completely.

I have found that I am getting much more free. That in dealing with these thing I am able to do some things that I previously could not do.  For example things that reminded me of things in the trunk. Things that triggered the memories were avoided.  I am able to talk about the process but I am not yet able to talk about the details. Some are to precious and some are too painful. For now they are between me and Jesus and I feel no pressure to move beyond that place of understanding and safety.

You probably have your own secret places. Just between you and me - the best thing I could have done was to let Jesus come into them. I pray you will have courage to begin your own journey to freedom.

I don't know if months from now or in a year or two - I will write another post to tell you that I discovered even more secret places. I hope I have gotten to the bottom of it all - but who knows I have been quite the stuffer for most of my life. Maybe if its Gods plan some of those things may have happy endings and I will be able to share those in some future post. In the mean time there is no shortage of things to write about.

The Secret Place

I am working on consolidating my many blogs I wrote this August 17, 2010. It seemed fitting to re-visit this one after my post yesterday. This post was the beginning of my journey. Even then it was dealing with things many many many layers above the trunk. Keep in mind that I am the grand stuffer and blocker of things that were too much to deal with.

The Secret Place

I have always thought of the Secret Place as being some place hidden in the Lord.
Today I had a whole new perspective on where the secret place is.
I was asked recently about my hopes and dreams - I was unable to give an answer and that has bothered me for the last several days. So I have been pondering. Why don't I have an answer and why does the question bother me.

I realized today as I was praying and pondering that there was a place in my heart that I have kept locked up and hidden. A place of secret dreams that I had chosen to let die because I came to realize that I could not have them and have my relationship with the Lord. My relationship with the Lord won out. Yet it was a great dream to let go of on my part and it was tangled up into much of my hopes and other dreams. So I locked them all away.  Today I realized that that hidden place in my own heart is the "Secret Place"where the Lord longs to meet me in a deep way.

So today I allowed the Lord into that secret place. He walked around the place with me with out any condemnation. He allowed me to grieve the loss and helped me to bury it in him.
He reminded me of the following are verses and they have been a comfort.

Matthew 19:29
And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life.
John 12:24
I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.

I admit I still feel quite shaken by the experience - and my day is a bit off kilter.  Perhaps the Lord has his own secret places where he longs to take us. Today I invited him into a long hidden secret place in my own heart. I'm sorry I kept it from him so long and I am thankful that he did not treat it as a trivial thing even though it was not pure and was tainted by sin and quite twisted. Yet he acknowledged that it was a series of sacrifices that I made to follow him.

So it is done - I've destroyed the last tangible reminder of those dreams.
Lord, Thank you for coming into to my secret place, thank you for acknowledging the losses, allowing me to grieve and for burying the last remains in you. Cleanse me and make that place pure and holy.
Come meet me in that secret place and allow me to dream new dreams with you.


If you are reading this I challenge you to allow the Lord into your own secret places.

I'll Be Seeing You

A Devotional by Margot Cioccio

I am done with the painting of this particular project. I still have some finishing things to do like the frame and hangers and shipping. The other day as I was looking at it I was reminded of the old song "I'll Be Seeing You. " I had a bit of free time on Monday so I decided to make a recording of me singing and playing the song and put it in a video with moving still photos from the River Walk Painting project.
If you follow my art blog you have already seen this video. If you are new to my writing you might enjoy checking out my other blog where I share up dates on my art projects.  http://mosaic-margot.blogspot.com/

This painting has been quite a journey for me. My friend Eleanore wrote me the other day with this comment about the painting. "The smartest thing Ive done in a long time is getting reacquainted with you.  The second smartest thing Ive done in a long time is asking you to do a painting for me.  Damn, Im smart!  Well its absolutely beautiful, Margot, but then I expected it would be."

Being reacquainted after more than 30 years is interesting. There are people who strike up friendships on face book and they mostly just lurk your page. They might send you game requests but they never really say anything. Some how that is considered being a friend.  Eleanore has not been that kind of a friend we have shared notes and she sends me cards now for holidays. She said to me at one point that they never forgot me and would often talk about me. She expressed how hard it was to find women because of name changes. Its funny with some people is like you simply pick back up where you left off. My friendship with Eleanore has been like that. Sure lots has changed over the years but being able to be part of someones life even though they may live miles across the country is such a blessing. 

She is now sending me accolades. She sent this one from her older son. I remember spending some time with he and his young family but I never knew him as well as the rest of the family. "She writes, This from son David...Margot really did an awesome job. What a talented woman she has become. Love, Dave"  It is his daughters son, who is the face of the sun in my painting. I remember holding her as a tiny baby and now have painted her wee child in a painting. Its been a trip down memory lane. 

At one point I was sharing with Eleanore how I had no pictures form that time period of my life. I don't know if I destroyed them all at some point after her younger son and I finally broke up. Or if I just did not have any because at the time my own relationship with my mom was pretty strained. Anyway Eleanore sent me a package of photos - she of course told me that they also had her son in all of them. I assured her I was ok with that at this point. We were a pretty solid couple through high school and did everything together. In college we were on again and off again. I was sure he was "The One" and that we would both eventually grow up and get married and live happily ever after. It did not work out that way and in the end I was devastated. I did not deal with that loss and pain in a very good way. I took it all and just locked it away. I avoided anything that stirred up those memories. Until eventually I could not even remember why I no longer did some things. For 30 some years the memories from that time period have been suppressed.  

I gotta say when Eleanore and her son showed up independently at about the same time in face book land it really rocked my world and I knew God was up to something. I could not even tell you at the time why it caused me such inner turmoil. That began a long journey of layer by layer removing the things that had long been hiding the trunk in my heart of locked up pain and memories from my view. Little by little the Lord has helped me sort through all that stuff. I've had to repent of my own poor behavior and the way I dealt with things. I had to really forgive. I had to grieve some wonderful dreams and lost plans. Those memories had never been put away clean. I found out that things that you lock up come back with all the initial pain, emotion and feelings that they were suppressed with.I did not expect that part. I thought those feelings would have faded. I found that when you lock up the painful memories that any surrounding good ones also become locked up. I think its pretty amazing that the brain has the capacity to wall things off and even in very severe abuse cases split and create more than one personality to try and cope with trauma.  

I have to say that as I allowed the Lord to take me through those locked up, secret places that he never condemned me for my many failings. He helped me to forgive, and repent and to finally put those memories away clean. I never know for sure if I've gotten through all of it. There was a period where he helped me see the origins of my long held belief that "I was not ___ enough. For years I fought past those feeling of inadequacy, they were part of something that I had taken the wrong way and for years believed that the fault lay with me for not having been good enough. I've worked through the whole idea that my life was forever off track and I was having to make the best of plans b, c, d..... I had to come to grips with the sovereignty of God. That all the stuff I have been through - was not a surprise to him. I can see how things have molded me and shaped me. It has been a tremendous journey. 

One of the things that I stopped doing because it triggered too many memories from that time period was painting. I think its pretty amazing that the person who asked me to paint again after 30 years was Eleanore. It was the loss of her family that was so extremely painful to me that I blocked all of those memories and stayed away from things that triggered them. It strikes me as a remarkable God thing that God has restored our relationship and given me back something that I once really loved doing.    

I guess I am surprised that I am able to talk about this. It has been quite a journey of healing. I have really not shared it with anyone - maybe little bits of it here and there.  

I guess at this point what amazes me is the power of God to heal and to restore. 

You may be wondering like I have, why God would allow this deep brokenness to remain all these years. As I have prayed about it I was reminded of the story of the wheat and the tares.  An enemy had sown weeds in the freshly planted field and the workers came to the master all distressed wanting to know what to do. The master said to let the weed remain because to try and separate them would only damage the wheat. So I believe that for 30 years God has allowed me to grow in my relationship with him to the point where my trust in him has become mature and strong enough to be able to finally face these broken places.  

The Parable of the Weeds 

²⁴ Jesus told them another parable: “The kingdom of heaven is like a man who sowed good seed in his field. ²⁵ But while everyone was sleeping, his enemy came and sowed weeds among the wheat, and went away. ²⁶ When the wheat sprouted and formed heads, then the weeds also appeared.

²⁷ “The owner’s servants came to him and said, ‘Sir, didn’t you sow good seed in your field? Where then did the weeds come from?’

²⁸ “‘An enemy did this,’ he replied.

“The servants asked him, ‘Do you want us to go and pull them up?’

²⁹ “‘No,’ he answered, ‘because while you are pulling the weeds, you may root up the wheat with them. ³⁰ Let both grow together until the harvest. At that time I will tell the harvesters: First collect the weeds and tie them in bundles to be burned; then gather the wheat and bring it into my barn.’”

So whats the take away from this post for you? Sometimes there are things that we carry for a very long time. God's timing is perfect, he knows when you are ready to deal with those things. I guess my starting place was to allow the Lord into my secret places. The bible says the secret places belong to the Lord. I had read that verse for years to be like a secret garden but then one day I read it to be my secret places - those dark forgotten corners, those places of loss, guilt, shame. Those secret places belonged to the Lord. I have learned in the past several years to allow him to meet me there. 
  
I never know if there is more or not. We seem to come to resting places and I feel so tremendously free as if a huge weight has been lifted off of my life. I have been a notorious stuffer and blocker of all things painful so this process may go on for quite a while. I am ok with it. I have learned how to allow the Lord to lead me through it all little by little. He helps me see it from his perspective. To help me know what to release into the sea of his forgiveness and forgetfulness and what things to put away clean so that when they come up again there still may be the trace of the scars but they are no longer rotting and festering wounds. I guess my encouragement is to allow the Lord into your secret places allow him to help you to deal with those broken places. Let him shine his light in the dark corners and behind the locked doors and to go through the boxes and trunks of things long forgotten and perhaps never put away cleanly. 


Prayer: 
Dear Lord, 
You already know everything there is to know about us. Yet you wait patently for us to invite you in. Thank you that you are so compassionate and merciful. Give us the courage to face those things that we have avoided. Help us to trust your sovereignty and timing.

Submit Yourselves, then to God

A Devotional by Margot Cioccio 

Just me - just like you - life's a journey

James 4:7-10 (NIV1984)

⁷ Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. ⁸ Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.⁹ Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. ¹⁰ Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

Join me as we study through this verse. 

My first step is to pray, so lets do that together. Lord we are here today seeking you in this quiet space. Lead us by your Holy Spirit as we study your word. Help us to see what we need to get out of it for today that will help us or help someone we will encounter during our day.  Lord help us to not just gain head knowledge but to see some way that we can apply your word to our lives today. 

So I started in my Bible and flipped open to the book of James. I love the book of James all through it I have underlines for verses that encourage or stretch me. This verse is no exception. It is easy to gloss over it at first glance. On a side note you don't have to read chapters and chapters to be in the word daily. Allow the Holy Spirit to lead you, pick a book and read until something speaks to you. Then take that passage and study it and think of ways that you can apply it to your life. Maybe even commit it to memory.

One of the things I do is to think about what some of the words in the passage. To do that often you need to think about the time period they were written in. Who was speaking and to whom where they speaking. 

We are in the book of James, my bible says it is most likely written by James the Lords brother. We know from other stories that the town of Nazareth, filled with friends and family members of Jesus had a hard time believing that this guy Jesus was anything special. Check out Mark 6 Jesus left there and went to his hometown, accompanied by his disciples. ² When the Sabbath came, he began to teach in the synagogue, and many who heard him were amazed. “Where did this man get these things?” they asked. “What’s this wisdom that has been given him, that he even does miracles! ³ Isn’t this the carpenter? Isn’t this Mary’s son and the brother of James, Joseph, Judas and Simon? Aren’t his sisters here with us?” And they took offense at him.

⁴ Jesus said to them, “Only in his hometown, among his relatives and in his own house is a prophet without honor.” ⁵ He could not do any miracles there, except lay his hands on a few sick people and heal them. ⁶ And he was amazed at their lack of faith. So James was a bit late to the party but I am glad he decided to "submit" and believe that his brother, or close relative was indeed the Son of God.

Yikes can you imagine if people started believing your brother or cousin was the Messiah come to save Israel. Today they would be hauled off to the mental heath ward. Yep just another crazy. Some of the things God calls us to do are pretty crazy by the worlds standards. Don't for get o'l Noah who was told to build an arc because some weird stuff called rain and flood was going to happen. Sometime the stuff God speaks to our heart is a stretch. Don't forget Joseph and his dreams and how many long years he carried those dreams in spite of slavery, and prison and seemingly impossible odds. In then end God did what he had shown him as a young man. It was many many years later. Don't just dismiss the seemingly impossible. We serve an awesome God. His ways are not our ways and his timing generally does not match up with ours.

There are some other guys named James who might be the author of this book. 

James Son of Zebedee: an early disciples of Jesus, James Son of Mary, the one at the tomb. James Son of Alphaeus: A Tax Collector? James Son or Brother of Judas or Jude.

So for our purposes we are not going to go too far down that rabbit trail. In my mind the idea of it being James the brother of Jesus resonates with me. The historian Josephus mentions him as such while talking about Annas the high priest and his doings. "

"Annas thought he could have his own way. Calling forth the members of the Sanhedrin, he brought before them a man named James, the brother of Jesus who was called the Christ, and others with him. He accused them of violating the law, and ordered that they should be put to death by stoning." 

I find it particularly powerful that this guy who likely grew up with Jesus could come to a place of saying "Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. ⁹ Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. ¹⁰ Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up." Can you imagine the massive heart change that must have taken place in his life. I mean really if one of your family members started to say they were even called of God, you might take issue with it. "Who do they think they are, getting all high and mighty?" Some of you may be experiencing that kind of resistance from your family members as you begin to take a step of faith to follow God's call or your big dream. In the book the Dream Giver by David Wilkinson calls those folks the border bullies. Great book by the way - you should read it. So for our purposes today James was very likely one of the former border bullies of Jesus who at some point became a believer and went on to become a leader in the early church. I have to think he must have wrestled with being double minded about believing Jesus. I think about my own siblings and cousins, I've seen them up close and in every day and ordinary life. We don't get much of a glimpse in to Jesus' young life. We know according to Luke 2 that at age 12 he had gotten separated from his family while traveling. "After three days they found him in the temple courts, sitting among the teachers, listening to them and asking them questions. ⁴⁷ Everyone who heard him was amazed. I gotta think that might have been a bit hard to take as a sibling.

 Well I have run off in a direction that I did not anticipate going but I'm going to stay with it.  I have to trust that we prayed and that this is the Holy Spirit leading. I have to trust that it is going to speak to someone who is reading. Clearly there is plenty of room for you to dig deeper in this passage than I can possibly cover in one post. I'd love for you to share what you find as you dig into this passage.

You have come to a place of believing and following Jesus. There are points in our journey with him that we must take a step of faith to do the things he is calling you to do. "Submit: This requires a willing act of accepting the authority of God. We are under His authority whether we submit to it or not. Here “submit” means “to obey.” ~ Reformation Study Bible  

There are times when it is easy to let close family bully us. Its not that they don't mean well, they do. They care about you and don't want to see you get hurt. In my coaching studies one of the reasons people need life coaches is because they don't have the emotional attachment of a family members or a close friends. They can help you sort out what is best for you. While a person may be able to talk to a friend or a family member it is hard for friends and family members to set aside their own interests. When you make a big change its going to affect them. Much as they might try to be impartial its hard. You tell them for example, that you want to go to Africa and be a missionary they immediately are thinking, "oh no I'll never see my grand kids."  

One place you may need to work on submitting to God can be regarding family members. 

It may be hard for them to believe you have really changed and that this time you are really serious about following Christ. They may have seen you waffel over the years, it may take time for them to accept that this time you really are serious. It is in those times that you must do what it is that God is calling you to do even if at first you don't have the support of family. Jesus did not have the support of his family early on. Its pretty clear his family did not always understand  John 7:3-5 (NIV1984)

³ Jesus’ brothers said to him, “You ought to leave here and go to Judea, so that your disciples may see the miracles you do. ⁴ No one who wants to become a public figure acts in secret. Since you are doing these things, show yourself to the world.” ⁵ For even his own brothers did not believe in him.

I love this one from Mark 3:21 (NIV1984)

²¹ When his family heard about this, they went to take charge of him, for they said, “He is out of his mind.”

Your family may think you have gone over board on this Jesus stuff.  They may think they need to come and take charge of you. There are times when you must stand your ground and submit to God. 

Sometimes even believing family members may choose to distance them selves from you because you have chosen to take a stand on some issue or take a leap of faith. I'm not saying that you should ignore the council of family members, some are truly wise and some know you very well and are able to speak wisely into your life. Here's the reality - you alone will stand before God on that final day. You will have to give account for what you did with the gifts and talents and the life he gave you. Are you going to stand there and say.."yes I know you told me to do ____ but my family thought it was a bad idea." Who is your Lord? Who is it that knows you better than you know yourself?  Seek first the Kingdom of God... 

 Mark 10:²⁸ Peter said to him, “We have left everything to follow you!”

²⁹ “I tell you the truth,” Jesus replied, “no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel ³⁰ will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age (homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields—and with them, persecutions) and in the age to come, eternal life. ³¹ But many who are first will be last, and the last first.”

Here's a bit of cool news by the time we get to Acts his family is pretty much on board and and are among the first Christians. Acts 1:14 (NIV1984)

¹⁴ They all joined together constantly in prayer, along with the women and Mary the mother of Jesus, and with his brothers.

  

Well I'm not sure who this is for - it is not something that I am currently dealing with but the Holy Spirt has lead me to write this and so I must trust that it is speaking profoundly to someone. It may mean that you need to step up and support someone in your family who is trying to take some wild step of faith. It might be you who needs to step up and take that step of faith even though your family does not understand. Our verse today ends with the words "Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. We need to walk humbly before God and family, friends and other skeptics. It often takes time for God to give us a ministry platform. 

Sometimes we even have to push past our own self doubt - even David wrestled with the feeling of "who the heck and I and who is my family" Here's the real quote from 1 Chronicles 17:16 Then King David went in and sat before the LORD, and he said: "Who am I, O LORD God, and what is my family, that you have brought me this far? Honestly that is where I often get stuck. Who the heck am I that God would choose to use me. Sometimes I need to stand up and accept that he does indeed desire to use broken vessels. It still surprises me when people tell me they are reading along and that what I am writing is encouraging and challenging them. People say how talented and special I am and I look in the mirror and see ordinary. I have to realize that there is part of me that is still broken, much like someone who suffers from an eating disorder looks in the mirror and only sees fat no matter how emaciated they have become. I don't know why, I trust the Lord will heal that broken part in his time. For the time being I have to stand on his word and push past it. I have to stand up and accept that God has put something in me that he is now choosing to pour out in this way. For me submitting is pressing beyond my self doubt and doing things like writing these posts. For me submitting is being open and honest about my journey and my struggles. To talk about how He has helped me to overcome and to trust that somehow He will use my thoughts and words to help someone else. For me that is very humbling place to stand. I am always conscious of James 3:1-2

3 Not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly.² We all stumble in many ways. If anyone is never at fault in what he says, able to keep his whole body in check. he is a perfect man. I think of myself more as an encourager than a teacher. I do see that more and more He is lifting me up and giving me a growing platform of people who are being encouraged. Thank you for reading and thank you to those of you who take the time to stop me and tell, or write me notes. Your encouragement means a lot to me. 

Prayer: 

Lord, Thank you for leading us by your Holy Spirit. Thank you for what you brought up in this particular post. You know where each reader is and where each one needs to move more towards you and what ground in each life needs to be submitted and to come under your Lordship. Help each one to move closer towards you and to take those next steps of faith to submit to you in their life. To you be the glory and praise for ever, Amen.